Today, Coen is 5 weeks old.

How, how, HOW has  that much time passed already? The days have felt endless at times. The weeks have flown by. The ounces gained so quickly have shocked us several times. Our little guy has gained almost 4 pounds already! That’s 50% of his birth weight. Unbelievable, right? He’s outgrown some of his newborn clothes and is already wearing some 3 month clothes. He wants to be constantly held and snuggled (we oblige!). He loves his breastmilk! He is a fussy fussy little guy sometimes, and other times he is alive and alert with wonder and quiet curiosity. He loves to wiggle wiggle wiggle! I am so SO in love. I just stare and stare at him sometimes. He is so NEW and innocent. It’s like magic. Real magic.

Last week Coen checked out his crib for the first time. Aren’t those cloud sheets the cutest? And the fox blanket, made by my good friend’s daughter, omg! We are surrounded by adorableness.

He looked around at all the paintings that hang above his crib and looked all around — he handled it for about 5 minutes, which was surprising! I wonder when that will become the bed that he sleeps in? For now, he’s bunking with me in the big king-sized bed. That seems to be where he sleeps the best — right next to mama.

The cats are becoming notably more tolerant of him at this point; I wouldn’t say curious, but one day Anika did come pay right next to him and sniff his feet, which was obviously a dream come true for me. And this is the closest Juneau has gotten as far as hanging out near him goes, aside from a few head sniffs:

Progress!

Wiiiiiide awake:

We have a fish tank behind our couch, and we’ve discovered that he likes to watch the fish swim around. I can’t wait to see what he’s going to be interested in as he gets older. For now he seems to like to be on the move and to look at lots of new stuff. He’s starting to smile some, and that makes me so happy!

And when he sleeps, he’s perfection:

Sometimes I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky. Other times I look at him and wonder what fresh hell I’ve landed in. Haha! Motherhood is intense so far. SO good and SO hard, in quick succession at times. I’ve cried so many times these past 5 weeks. Someone said on Instagram that the first 12 weeks of being a mom is sort-of like breaking up with your old self, and it definitely feels that way to me.

My life is not my own right now — I’m acutely aware of that. For all the sweetness and the moments of enjoying this brand new experience, there are also plenty of moments of being really hard on myself for not getting more done, being frustrated that I’m not currently working or creating anything new, not letting myself just REST and snuggle him and enjoy this fully. People keep telling me things like “it goes so fast, enjoy every moment!” and “I miss when my babies were that age, I loved every second of it!”

And I am enjoying so many of the moments. I’m falling more and more in love with this sweet little baby every day. It feels scary at times, I love him so much. But it’s frustrating to hear people say that because there are also a lot moments that are NOT enjoyable (particularly in the middle of the night), and it’s easy to let thoughts like “why am I not enjoying every moment like people keep saying I’m supposed to? This just feels sort-of hard and sucky! What’s wrong with me?” torment me a little.

But then, there’s this:

His face, his little body, his yawn, his sleepy, milky smiles…. they really do make it all feel worth it. We are learning more and more about each other every day. I think it must be completely normal and all part of the process of becoming a parent to feel elated and frustrated and cracked open and raw and filled with love and on the verge of losing it. What I’m trying to do is just FEEL it all. To not judge what I’m feeling and think I should be feeling some other way, but to just feel it, accept it, and then keep moving forward.

Because I’m already learning that it all changes so fast…. when I look back to just 5 weeks ago, becoming a brand new mama, meeting this brand new little person for the first time, learning how to take care of him and keep him warm and safe, it’s amazing how much we’ve learned and how we’ve all grown and changed so much since then. In just 5 weeks, I’ve become so much more confident in caring for him, in taking him out into the world, in trusting that Ryan and I have what it takes to give Coen everything he needs and deserves. It’s all changed so fast, and I want to savor it. Even the frustrating bits. I want to burn these memories into my brain, because I know they’re going to go faster than I can even imagine, even though the days and nights can feel so long right now.

Coen loves to go on walks and be on the move. As cool as that Moby Wrap above looks (there’s a baby in there, I promise it’s not just huge boobs, haha!), it’s sort-of a pain — we’ve moved on to mostly using the Ergo carrier, which he really loves.

This just makes me want to cry, it’s so sweet:

Look at that teeny hand!! Just hanging out with daddy. I love watching these two together. Heart.Melting.

This photo just cracks me up:

Hey’s all “heeeeeeeeey, sweet thang”. My sister said he looks like baby Fabio in that pose, and now I think of that every time I see it.

Coen is turning into a better sleeper, slowly but surely. He sleeps well right next to me at night, and I have to admit, I love having him in the bed. It’s so cozy. I know co-sleeping is hotly debated, but it’s working for us for now; I get ahead of myself and start to anticipate missing these types of things that I love so much once he’s older and more independent — is that weird? Worrying about missing something while it’s still happening, rather than just savoring and enjoying it? It seems a little crazy.

This morning he fell asleep on his own for the first time — normally he only falls asleep if Ryan or I are holding him, and only sometimes can we put him down without him waking up; so this feels like a small victory today! And the funny thing is, I’ve been feeling sort-of frustrated that he won’t let us put him down at all for the past couple of weeks, because it really makes it hard to get anything else done (I know, poor me, having to hold my baby constantly) — and now that he’s been sleeping by himself for the past 2 hours (he is currently still sleeping!), I just want him to wake up so I can hold him!! Man, I’m just never satisfied, am I?

So that’s what’s happening around here lately. Baby time, baby time, sweet sweet baby time.